Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ASome people actually believe that the only thing their tax dollars go to is food stamps. Bahahahahah

   with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.

   Have you noticed that the most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon?

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.

   We would like to thank the NY Giants for their participation in the 2013 NFL season. Please pick up your consolation prize at the door on your way out. Thank you

   Sometimes just thinking of two fat people with really huge stomachs trying to hug each other is enough to make my day.

   Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...

   No thanks polygamy. One wife is too many.

   You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?

   My Boyfriend tried to talk me into making a sex tape. I'm like, 'Cool, we just need to get someone else to play your part'

   Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.

   Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.

   So.. since when did the Government have closing hours. I think it's time for a civilian take over. . .

   No lady, I didn't just trip you out of control child running through the store by accident, it was on purpose. . .

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.

   it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?