Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear ladies, We love when you play with our balls and not our minds.

   I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.

   It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.

   Any one just watched the Boss metaphor the Prez just use? You cant ask your Boss for a raise, and when he doesnt give it to you....you shut down the PLant!...I tried that and got arrested right there at Mcdonalds!

   With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.

   the lucky is the only cigarette in the pacK that I get drunk and light backwards

   Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (

   Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.

   if your neighbors call the police on you for playing loud music, just tell the cop "you can dance if you want to or you can leave your friend behind..."

   the government is like my computer....there might just be a problem when it shuts down

   Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.

   Dont forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that dont work as hard as you...

   I just spent our "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams OctoberFest beer. I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some of the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year.

   I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry

   Out of the 20 richest women in the world, only one did not inherit their money from their husband or father!

   Education: n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

   Callous: adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

   I just got that call no man wants. From my ex wife...

   Neighbor - n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

   Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith