Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why hasn't Obama shutdown NPR and PBS yet? It's not like anyone tunes in anyway.

   Maybe we should let Sandusky loose on Congress

   This government shutdown is not as complete or thorough as some might expect. NPR, C-Span, PBS, CNN and MSNBC are still on...

   Tony Romo tried to throw a celebration party but it got intercepted.

   It’s impossible to say "I wasn’t talking to you" politely.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   When I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

   If bartenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.

   They can probably ditch the "Insane" part, as it's pretty much implied in the concept of a posse made entirely of clowns.

   I was way off. Turns out the movie Aliens vs. Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

   Why don’t blind people like to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How do they know when they are getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.

   When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.

   Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.

   *whispers to the Internet*............. "Look what you did."

   BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

   WAIT BEYONCE MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT

   Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.

   If you love someone, make them guess how you feel about them until they get tired and move on to someone else.

   My coke dealer has a habit of putting his business in my nose.

   No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.