Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not a comedian but the joke below sucks big time.

   my wife says to me "your nuts" I reply "what about them"?

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   That moment when you have just realized that someone had just left you with one square of toilet paper on the roll.

   Breaking News : Shots Fired at Capitol Hill, In Other Words Olympus Has Fallen \ :O /

   A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??

   I just heard that there was shots fired at the U.S. Capitol. That is pretty stupid since they are all on vacation right now !!!!

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   They think I have superiority complex; it's because I'm better than them.

   I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".

   I am the part of your meal that holds the most nutritional value. . .

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   PS3 user B.Obama_69 has been playing GTA online constantly since the government went into shutdown. Coincidence? I think not

   MY BROTHER HAS BEEN STUDYING the CIVIL WAR....he went Gettysburg to walk the actual scenes of the battlefield....but the gate was LOCKED.....unfortunately the history of our nation's fallen heroes is not priority for some leaders.. ..MANY believe it is mo

   Miley wanted to perform topless at the VMA's. Thank God she only performed a$$less...

   Just read a report that said 86% of holy water tested had fecal matter in it. Holy shít!!

   The gov't shut down hurts all the way to the top. Today, Obama could only afford to play mini golf...

   "Tom Clancy - Dead at 66". I've not read that one, do hope it's as good as his other books