Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard my new neighbors having sex last night so I rubbed one out. Just met Eddie and Steve this morning...

   I can't believe I missed the Breaking Bad finale. And, every other single episode...

   I'm glad I live in Kentucky now. Cause when the Gov shuts down the liquor stores will still be open

   How the h ell did Jesus find guys names John.,James, Matthew. Paul and Andrew, Thomas, and Philip in the middle East?

   What happens when the government shuts down? Obama will stop getting free watermelon?

   Sometimes I have trouble coming to terms with my crazy. Then I drink about it, and it all works out.

   "I'll have what she's halving." - Divorce Lawyers

   The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".

   Ladies, short dresses aren’t like your Facebook feed. Continuously pulling them down won’t refresh anything.

   Love is like writing your name on the beach’s sand. Eventually, the waves will wash it all away until nothing’s left.

   The fact that your guy friends stop being funny after getting a girlfriend is proof enough that women are soul sucking banshees.

   My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.

   My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom. The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I've strategically placed, should do the trick.

   Wished I loved anything as much as my dog loves smelling human crouches.

   Each year, hundreds of trees grow because squirrels forget where they buried their food.

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.

   Republicans vs Democrats...ready...set...waste time!

   I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the world ended in 2012.

   You can't spell furloughed without f-u

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)