Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. If you don't give her attention someone else will. In conclusion, you're screwed.

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   If girls didn't need guys there wouldn't be a 'man' in woman.

   Imagine how much more seriously Jesus would've been taken if he rode around on a stallion and not a donkey.

   When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy? THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   A Jehovah witness closely follows opportunity,hides behind it and waits for it to knock on your door.

   If Monday was a person it would be a fat ginger girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.

   Behind every fat man, there is a woman. Frying and stuff.

   In 10 years time people who currently like Miley, Bieber, Lady Gaga and One Direction will make decisions about your health care. Sleep well.

   If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex, I'd be a really affordable prostitute.

   When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   I just explained Google images to my mom. "Pick anything to search for..." I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked... "Except that." I replied

   Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you're job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.

   Thank God Zimmerman's wife and father-in-law weren't wearing a Hoodie and didn't have any Skittles on them!

   If Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus were both drowning at the same time.....what kind of sandwich would you make

   I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.

   Never mix Vi@gra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.