Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You may be my role model, my mentor, my hero or idol but don't you ever expect blind loyalty from me. If you ever screw up or do some dumb sh*t, I am calling you out and holding you accountable.

   This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style, so I licked her face, crapped on the carpet, and bit her mailman in the ankle.

   I love when I post a status and someone copy's and pastes its and I get 4 thousand likes and they get two.

   Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....'I've got nothing man.'

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment

   I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   I must be amazing at chatting online; everytime I talk to a girl I leave her speechless.

   Not sure which has gone more viral on facebook. Pics of cats, or cups of cappuccino with hearts drawn in the foam.

   things that will never be said #2638: "Boy that Steve Bushemi sure is a good lookin fella"

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   All of my Ex's nicknamed me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

   Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it.

   A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

   Making home made Pop Tarts. I almost have it down, but getting the filling down to a thickness of 1/1,000,000 of an inch is becoming quite a challenge.

   Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.

   To be honest with you I start all my lies with to be honest with you.