Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   If stupidity was physically painful, some people would be in the I.C.U. right now.

   Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They've obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.

   X says you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

   I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the call by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Not every relationship is to learn a life lesson. Sometimes it's for a new steak marinade, unsafe sexual position or where not to vacation.

   Every once and a while you come across a person that makes you reevaluate your dating standards, I'm probably that person.

   Dear Packer Fans; You are allowed to wash your lucky underwear........ Thank you.

   Somehow, our tupperware is disappearing - time to buy more lunch meat.

   I hate the Discovery Channel. I just wasted a bunch of money on 90 ton test fly line.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you’re bound to get burned.

   Nintendo or Nintendon't,,,,, There is no nintendtry

   Hey squirrel, your tail looks gay

   Real men sip that capri sun like its the last one left on earth

   My notifications say i'm being followed by 23 people on here. I wonder how many are Police?

   It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.