Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When are liquor stores going to get in on the Groupon game

   I qonder if Shamu and Orca get jealous of Shark week

   Wonders if Johnny Manziel realized when he signed up to be an Aggie that A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, Not Autographs & Money.

   Preseason football is like watching the JV basketball team play before the Varsity.

   I ain't cheap. I am just broke.

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...

   The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...

   if she swollows, is that canabalism?

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   The waitress just called me honey, then she went over to another table and called that dude honey also. Welp, there goes her tip

   Some people wait their entire life for their status to be "liked"..not realizing that it has been p0sted a million times before..

   What horrible thing did you do to deserve someone like me?

   How disappointing! I've been hearing all month about 'Shart' week coming up on the discovery channel and it turns out it's nothing but a movie about a bunch of stupid fish ツ

   Men who say ''woman belong in the kitchen'', don't know what to do with them in the bedroom..!

   Human beings used to do some crazy things before the Facebook. For example, they used to go outside and meet people.

   I keep having this reoccurring nightmare where I wake up in the morning and have to go to work.

   The only kind of shark I have actually encountered wears a cheap suit and hangs around court buildings.

   Trust me you won't like me when I am hungry.

   People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust

   Life and I have creative differences.