Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss. Anyway, his name was Jeff... and he's a Seahawks fan

   You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

   Men & Women view the world differently. Men view the world as it is, women view it by whatever they make up in their minds and expect men to figure it all out.

   Due to the scare of Dec 21, 2012, my "Baby Boom" Prediction should be coming up right on schedule this month and in September.

   Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli

   Whenever God closes a door, the Devil pushes me out a window.

   A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

   "I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving

   Maybe poor people don't even like food,, we don't know.

   Damn, for living in a trailer home in the woods you sure know a lot of government secrets

   My period is a bit like SHARK WEEK. There's a ton of blood and a good chance that someone might die.

   If I was looking to hire a psychic, the only question in my interview would be,,"How many times have you won the lottery?"

   Forgotten money found in jean pockets = the best.

   I don’t care what people think of me… At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

   Ever want to click on someone’s Facebook status and fix all the spelling and grammatical errors for them?

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don’t panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we’re not that far from you.

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I’m asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   I watch Zombie movies while eating watermelon. Makes me feel like I'm practicing in case I ever become one.

   Here's to the people who hit bongs, not women. Spark bowls, not arguments. Burn bud, not bridges. Save this world...one puff at a time.

   Sometimes you don't get the chance to choose when things happen.