Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating: I love your taste in music! Married: I got you headphones for your birthday.

   The only thing worse than being single is hearing a person who has rejected you complain about being single.

   No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.

   Friends are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they disappear.

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   Slept over at a kids house once in third grade. Saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now

   When you see your girl out in public with another guy, one of yall 3 are supposed to die in that encounter.

   My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…

   I’m on to you mister..... there were no pearls and that was NOT a necklace.

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.

   Every time I hear Earth Angel,,, I check my hands to make sure I'm not fading.

   What idiot called it lap dancing instead of organ grinding?

   and he invented man and everything in heaven and earth... except contraception, and dinosaurs, and gáys.

   If you call your son Kenneth then you have only yourself to blame if he still lives with you when he's 45

   I hate when I wake up alone, naked with a kitty stamp in my hand.

   Seriously guys, if you want a woman to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you guys need to learn to a save a tree and eat a beaver.

   I don't pave the way for anybody. I pave the way for my damn self.

   I get lots of pu$$y in my minivan. Maybe you're just driving yours wrong.

   Love is being someone's favorite confusion.

   A good way to get your wife to listen to you is to talk to another woman.