Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.

   Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army

   Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Might as well suffer and live with them.

   To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos

   My neighbour does a lot of digging in his yard. I think he may be a serial killer. Excuse me guys, I'm going to give him my Karma list.

   it too late for Justin Bieber's mom to have an abortion?

   I suggested we use some knots during sex. My wife agreed. She chose “not tonight.”

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

   I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

   I date crazy girls because I like the rush of staring death in the face and living to tell about it.

   I like to ask the drive-up window guy "Did the car ahead of me pay for mine?" cuz random acts of kindness.

   You may think it's bad grammar but I assure you it's just laziness.

   I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet... I get hungry.

   You're not USELESS I'm just saying that 300 years ago YOU would've been the guy to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn't eat.

   I wish I could be as happy as stupid people.

   I saw 3 people pick up after their dogs this morning. Top of the food chain? .. Yeah right

   Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.