Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not you, It's your posts,, Wait ? You write them,, Nevermind, It's you

   My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

   I know I'm OCD but I worry that I am not OCD enough.

   Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...

   Don't quite get it when guys don't understand why a woman feels relieved when she takes her bra off... Let's see them under-wire their bad boys to their hips for a day.

   Be careful of bull sharks, they swim in shallow water. Be careful of bullsh*t too, it swims in shallow people.

   You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   If this country really cared about itself everyone would quit looking for work so we could get the unemployment rate down to 0%!

   If so many things taste like chicken...what does chicken taste like???

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute

   Need to get my butt in gear but I think my clutch is broken.

   Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them??

   You're missing the point....and quite possibly a chromosome.

   I've started a new thing, post your password on my wall in case you forget it!! (Yeah, I got your back :-D)

   With a infinite amount of information at their fingertips, why are there so many stupid people in the world?

   If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

   I didn't do it, that is why it didn't get done. :)

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   Why do I get no "likes" when I mention cocaine and strippers in the same sentence?