Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wake me up, before you go, ho.

   If it wasn't for Google or Bing the world would be full of idiots

   A woman asking you to make her feel like the only girl in the world is basically asking you to become a serial killer and murder all the other women in the world.

   Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   Ever who the guy was that said the South will rise again had erectile dysfunction.

   Broke up with Taylor Swift. Her new song “No I Won’t Do Buttstuff With You and Your Stuffed Penguin” is NOT about me. Repeat, NOT about me.

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"

   Admit it or not, there's an undeniable satisfaction when your ex replaces you with someone who looks like a double from Planet of the Apes.

   I wonder if sex thinks about me as much as I think about sex

   If all is dishonestly truthful and deceitfully sublime, the dauntlessly delightful deliquescent shall bring maladjustment and malaise.

   If you don't have an ugly person in your group of friends, it's probably you.

   Marriage: because if you love them why not get the law involved

   I'm extremely charming until you get to know me.

   How come I can buy a bottle of Starbucks at 7-11 for $1.79 but a cup of coffee at their store cost $5??

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back.

   Ever notice how on those Life in Prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel that the prisoners they interview are a lot more respectful and polite than the people on the outside that you encounter every day?

   Impartial. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.

   "Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back." But I quit three years ago and never came back and I won't

   If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox.......... lol