Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never flush a toilet when the power's out cuz I don't know how stuff works.

   I just got a new weed whacker today, And you could say,,,,,, (removes sunglasses) It's got, "Cutting hedge technology."

   Seriously Dad, stop sending me fwd emails. 2001 is history...

   I'm pretty sure my wife friend-zoned me a couple years back...

   its better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it

   Quierd = new word I just made up of being questionally weird to the point its queer weird. Example: This morning my wife stuck a broomstick up my a ss to wake me up, I felt quierd!

   Bacon is fried chicken for whyte people.

   I'm feeling kinda tired but that's OK. There's a nap for that.

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said

   I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).

   Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Boston.... Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

   Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.

   I'd say pick on someone your own size, but I know it is difficult to find someone with a 3 inch d*ck.

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   Baby, does all this money make my d*ck look bigger?

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   I hate waiting until I'm dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.

   washing her laundry does not count as making her panties wet.

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"