Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I die at walmart, PLEASE, drag my body to Cabella's

   WARNING!!! Drug use may cause memory loss and....uhm....

   Our breakup was due to religious differences. She didn't think I was God.

   Karma means I can sleep at night, knowing that everyone I mistreated today had it coming!

   Relationships are weird. What starts out as "You're funny and smart" eventually turns into "You think you know everything and everything is a joke to you."

   I gonna have to find me a partner...I'm as hard as woodpecker lips

   Sounds like "PimpJuice" needs to take a refresher course in Pimpology 101

   Don't think you can bring that $hit from other places here and get away with it!!

   what's for lunch? left over bacon from breakfast said no one ever.

   I like to sit round a campfire telling ghost stories until I realise I'm on acid, the dwarves aren't listening & my kitchen table is on fire.

   If I die in a bar, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   If I die in a stripclub, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   If looks could kill a trip to Walmart would be a once in a lifetime experience.

   Unstable in the streets, batsh*t crazy in the sheets.

   I bet sloths are horrible at foreplay.

   You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

   "You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.

   I'm running out of people I can tolerate!

   I'll explain my status update right after you explain why you're so ignorant.

   I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?