Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know men have PMS, too? Yeah, Piss and Moan Syndrome.

   A narrow mind and a wide mouth usually go together.

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   "Which would make a better theme song for Anthony Weiner?: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground or my personal favorite, Here We Go Again?"

   As I get older, I've learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I'm drunk.

   Trying to watch Ellen but the picture is shaky. Pisses me off because Michael J Fox is on today, and I like him.

   Sorry, but I prefer the 8lb, 6 oz prince who wrote "When Doves Cry."

   If Prince William is 100% royal, and Kate Middleton is 0% royal... is their son the Half-Blood Prince?

   I think one of the sweetest sounds in the whole world is the sound of a baby's laughter. Unless its three in the morning. And you don't even have a baby.

   people that say " I hate to break it to you" can't wait to break it to you!

   If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.

   "If I had a Son, he would look like George Zimmerman." -Cher

   Royal baby doesn't even have teeth yet and I can still tell they're gonna be phucked up...

   Obama has lost his swag if Kool's are outlawed on his watch!!

   What is this world coming too when people are more afraid of mosquito's than HIV?

   I like to play "I Spy" with total strangers and stare at them and say "I spy an idiot"...

   While you make her cry, another guy listens, understands her and makes her feel special. But you are not worried because you think and believe she only likes him as a friend forgetting that a shoulder to cry on can quickly turn into a d*ck to ride on.

   If you both of you can just sit together, chill and talk for more than 10minutes without checking your phones, you have just found your soul mate.

   Kate Middleton & Prince William have finally come out with their baby & to everyone's surprise, it looks exactly like every other newborn.