Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.

   Nothing wrong with shooting people as long as the right people get shot. -Harry Callahan

   People who wish they had a nickel for every time such-and-such happened should raise their prices a little.

   Getting lots of admiring looks in my new denim short-shirts and halter top.

   All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad memories for me. Last time I was third in line for the throne I shat myself in Pizza Hut....

   In honor of his favorite pastitme Candy Crush. Prince William has announced the baby's name: Reese Crunch

   Prince Fielder must be jealous of the Royal baby hype beings he's the Prince of Detroit.

   I am quite offended that Prince William didn't lift up the baby like they did Simba in Lion King.

   Facebook can turn a real life devil into an online angel with a well written status...Power of the internet!!!

   Anthony Weiner is still sexting... really, who cares??? However, if my last name were weiner and I had a son, I totally would have named him "Gigantic"

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you

   i love going to church. especially when they pass around free money

   It's so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.

   With the over-abundance of retards running around, you'd think their buses would be longer.

   i got so drunk I went fishing and caught a sharktopuss

   Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent those "late night texts" that I always regret in the morning.

   It’s almost August and I’ve accomplished nothing.

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent thos late night texts that I always regret sending.