Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's over when she starts liking and commenting on some other guy's posts and pics.

   Sometimes girls can be funny AND hot without being psycho.... Kidding! Now come brush my hair before I burn your sh*t.

   Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   I just found an old box of condoms in my dresser, than I noticed the "use by" date....... As if I'm not under enough pressure! It's been a slow year.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Why when we goof up, we shout louder?!

   If anybody has a reason to be pissed at The Rolling Stone Magazine, its Dr Hook!

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail."

   Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."

   Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.

   as my dad always told me when I did something wrong: I will kill you with the help of the thing that I used to make you with!

   Wow, the news is blowing up with news of Duchess Kate in labor. You'd think a panda was being born.

   In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you've made in their life. It's not me. I think your an idiot.

   i cant stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking the coffee then I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting into sentence doings.

   So much attention for the Royal baby, so many interviews and expert opinions you would think it's the first baby ever to be born.