Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.

   With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.

   It's "DRIVING" six white horses, dumbass.

   Michael J. Fox's new television show is getting some real shakey reviews

   Foreplay was designed by woman to give us one last chance to decide if you're actually worth sleeping with.

   Does buying her a pair of shoes count as foreplay?

   Foreplay? I thought that's what the wine was for.

   ****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int

   I am tired of hearing: is it hot enough for you. No really it's not.. can you hold an acetylene torch to my face please, Thanks, at this point I want to smell my flesh burning. . .

   Hey erectile dysfunction pill maker, at my age, I am really not up for 4 hours of anything...do you have something in the 20 minute range?

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."

   I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call? Rachel Jintel!!

   Actually, it's either: "DRIVING" or "RIDING" six white horses. Who's the dumb@$$ now?