Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year- old

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   Yes, I'm a tool. A drill. Just ask my wife's friends.

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.

   you can run from your problems, unless your problem is a cheetah

   I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.

   I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married.

   I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   yeah I was a vegetarian once before......for like 5 hours...til my next meal...