Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging.

   When it is this hot out, I like to walk around in my underwear in the air conditioning. I don't know why 7-11 has a problem with this..

   So... you think you're so cool because you've made it into triple digits in candy crush huh? Yeah let that sink in.

   When someone says I look familiar, I say "You've probably seen me in porn."

   Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.

   Why is it always the ugly people who have to post pics of themselves every other day? You might love the camera but it’s obvious the camera does not love you back. So put the camera down and stop scaring little children with your pics.

   Rachel Jeantel is the new Kato Kaelin.

   The next time somebody jumps you, make sure they are just whooping your ass and not trying to kill you before you take any self-defense action.

   ATTENTION ALL WHO WORK WITH THE PUBLIC--everyone is stuck in stupid mode today, a smack to the back of the head should trigger the reset button!

   Thanks to the economy my wallet is emptier than a potato chip bag at a Weight Watchers meeting!

   Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I've had it a long time."

   My dog has mastered two tricks now. It might not sound impressive, but most dogs can't even ride a BMX.

   so another day has come and gone and I still haven't used algebra

   I wish birth control could work retro-actively. Some people should never have been born.

   shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.

   Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela - 95 years!

   why don't you go slip into something more comfortable......................like a Coma

   My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

   I wouldn't even know what to do in a threesome. Probably jumping jacks.

   Turtles are the easiest animals to pee on.