Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone remember the "occupy wallstreet" movement? Weren't they supposed to have been a big deal and get something done??? Talk about fizzle out like a bad fart.

   Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.

   It's pretty cool how vodka always has such 'great' ideas.

   We let anxiety drive so we could use our energy to worry about crashing.

   I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

   Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

   My kinda woman has more sex swings than mood swings.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   Still trying to find a balloon that says: Congrats on your 6th baby with different men" I wont stop till I find it cuz I'm a good friend.

   If your girl has never hit you…you’re probably not that attractive.

   I still have every movie I've ever rented.

   Why is it that so many people now want to kill a good guy to avenge the death of a bad guy?

   Breaking news: George Zimmerman to throw out first pitch at tonights All star game

   If God gave you a good singing voice, sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice, sing loud in church to get even.

   Every man is entitled to his opinion but nobody is entitled to his own facts." - Daniel Patrick Moynihan

   I'm no longer looking for "Mr. Right." I'll settle for "Mr. He'll Do."

   I always keep a cyanide capsule handy just in case my phone goes missing.

   When I say I'm going to "woo" you, it's a reference to my love for John Woo films, so I'll be punching you & throwing doves in your face.

   Sorry for being a human being. I wanted to be a panda but I wasn't given the option.

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.