Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell a girl a million times she's not fat, she’ll never believe you. Call her fat once she’ll never forget it. Most untold secrets

   Americans are fast-asleep right now. Let peace reign

   i wish we could go back to 1978 when life was good

   and the preducers of Lifetime make more money

   All of a sudden everyone on Facebook seems to be a criminal law expert.

   drinking beer in shower

   USD ABOVE 60... CRUDE ABOVE 6000.... STILL NIFTY ABOVE 6000....

   Don't forget to set your clocks back 200 years before you go to bed tonight.

   Does this mean Glee is one step closer to gettimg cancelled?

   In 2 seconds you'll be singing "I'm a Barbie Girl" in your head.

   I think homeless people would have more money for food if they didn't spend it all on black markers, cardboard signs and collection cups.....

   America, you've got a little injustice on your chin. No, not there. A little to the right. There. Nope, you missed it again. Still there.

   If a woman ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.

   I thought Pacific Rim was when an asian guy licks your ass. And that's why I would like to get a refund for my movie ticket.

   Nothing like a woman with a brilliant mind and a filthy mouth.

   If you don't want to be profiled as a thug, don't dress like one. No more hoodies and flat-brims. How about a nice Polo shirt and some Khakis. Docksider shoes instead of LeBron sneakers. And a NASCAR baseball cap would help too.

   I wish my name was Grudge. This way women would hold on to me forever.

   Every so often I'll bring my wife and kids out in public just so people understand why I drink.

   If you really believe racism isnt a massive problem, that the oppression of minorities is not a horrific and systemic issue. you R in denial.

   Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.