Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.

   Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.

   I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.

   Someone disappointing you just allows you to free up space in your heart for others who won't.

   I got 66 problems coz my life is upside down!

   A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.

   Taking relationship advice from people on Facebook is like asking a blind person for directions. If these people had perfect relationships, they wouldn’t even be on Facebook half the time.

   Date someone with poor taste in music. So that when she breaks your heart you don’t have to give up your music because it reminds you of her

   Ladies; Don’t turn off the lights when having sex or he will be thinking of someone else the whole time.

   Well, the body scanner at the airport triggered them to search me in 3 areas.. My chest, my ass and my right front pocket area... Guess the gym is paying off.

   Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.

   God couldn’t be everywhere so he created mothers. Satan couldn’t be everywhere so he created loud chewers.

   You know how when a musician dies radio stations play his songs back to back all day? Here’s to praying Lil Wayne lives forever.

   Officer, I resent your accusatory tone & choice of words... FYI: She is my ‘trunk guest’,,, I served her ‘refreshments’,,, and she is ‘in repose’

   Corvette....Helping men compensate for small wieners since 1953.

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing, someone else does.

   Corvettes. Helping poor men pretend they have big dongs since 1953...

   Corvettes... Making haters hate since 1953.

   Weed is legal in 2 states. Having s3x with a horse is legal in 23. Good job, America.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective