Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like, if you believe that HR is stupid and evil.

   what's the difference between hungry and horny??....where you put the cucumber..;-)

   Street Racing is like Special Olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard.

   I do great farts when I pull myself up in the bathtub.......... Do your stuff, eHarmony

   For $100,,,, I'll come to your house and name all of your plants.

   Don’t believe in aliens, huh??,,,,,, Then explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

   Would it be bad to eat a bowl of my son's Flintstone vitamins as a snack?,,,, Hahaha, I’m just kidding; I have no idea whose son this is.

   Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and azzholes, and anybody else I left out.

   So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes.

   Shouldn't "Ninja" be with a silent "N"?

   Bored??.. Text random numbers the following: The courthouse has your name in the newspaper for a failure to appear for jury duty this is the 24 hour number for you to check 714-319-7020. You're welcome! :)

   Walking through my house at night makes me wonder how I survived without a flashlight before I had a cell phone.

   what idiot called it grass and not Earth hair

   I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!

   if I was 85 years old and a cop pulled me over for speeding my excuse would be "am in a hurry before I forget where I am going"

   I don't get a sore throat often, but when I do I swallow every few minutes to check to see if it still hurts.

   im about to embark on an epic journey from a horizontal position in my bed to the coffee maker. join me on this incredible journey

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   "Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.

   They say milk is good for your teeth you know what else is good for your teeth minding your own business lol