Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My idea of multitasking is getting someone else to do it.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I understand women. Great, now I'm crying.

   a MAN and woman is the only way the world can survive

   I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.

   Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.

   I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...

   Egypt is one of those rare countries whose "good old days" were in 2,000 B.C.

   I don’t write to please you. I write to pretend that I write to please you.

   Let's just eat pizza and cake until nobody loves us.

   Let's tell people what to do with their lives and ignore our own problems.

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   Don't forget to do nothing about your problems and complain about them on the internet forever.

   anybody want to LARP with me?

   I'm not tall enough to ride my own emotional roller coaster.

   If your relationship is in trouble, don't worry. Join facebook and fill the void in your soul with virtual people.

   There's only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but you shouldn't be allowed to be a person.

   I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.

   It's a beautiful day to dwell on the past and blame yourself for things out of your control.