Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you woke up this morning hungover and missing a thumb, America thanks you.

   Creating unnecessary drama is a tool of the ignorant.

   Chickens can actually fly but have a fear of heights hence the name "chicken"

   3/4 length trousers... For people who look a twonk in shorts, but have a tattoo they want you to see.

   "One time, I got so hammered I woke up a cave three days later" - Jesus

   Hey all you Candy Crush players, oh please add me and I will send a virus to take out your addiction, oops I mean, codes I'll send you codes....

   I've got this racing snail, but he's so slow. I took his shell off, to see if it would speed him up a bit, but it just made him more sluggish.

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD.

   Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and I'll bet you're in the Mafia.

   I haven't seen chaos like in Egypt since Popeye's opened a restaurant in Atlanta!!

   Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Dont question my laziness

   I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.

   Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.

   Politicians should have to wear NASCAR jumpsuits so that we know which corporations sponsor them.

   Andy Murray looks like a stuck up douchebag.

   No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!

   So all I have to do is stage a few fake miracles and the Pope approves my sainthood? Roman Catholic is more of a cult than a church.

   What do you call sex on a Greyhound bus? The 3 foot high club!

   The Rockets should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see the look on Dwight Howard's face.

   you know Jay-Z isn't OCD because he only had 99 problems....an OCD person would have an even 100 problems