Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I also hate punctuation.

   So this girl was like, “I wanna have your children” and I was like, “okay, but you’ll have to ask their mom first.”

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been damn hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea and you’re here watching sheep.”

   How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

   Jesus Christ. I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   I've got problems and you're several of them.....

   The only time you'll ever catch me poppin a molly is when that b1tch is talkin sh1t. #powrightinthekisser

   Insomnia was a much more lonelier and sadder place before FB. Now I just can't wait to sleep 2 hours and have a miserable day.

   No one needs a vacation from me more than me.

   Independence Day was just a fake holiday created by the independence companies to sell more independence.

   Sorry, your password should contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph & blood of a virgin!

   Studies show that children who are better liars tend to become more successful as adults.

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   I was born to succeed, but then Facebook came along.

   Maybe someone stole her phone, that's why she hasn't called me in 3 years. Yeah I'm sure that's what it is.

   I'm an Arab but NOT "death to America" Arab.

   Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.

   Never have I felt like my childhood is a lie like today when I saw a man step on a banana peel and didn’t trip and fall.