Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   doesn't wear a yellow hat when he goes to the zoo because he doesn't want any of the monkeys following him home.

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

   If exercise eliminates excess fat how come some people have double chins?

   I'd do anything for you if I can trust you with my pizza.

   Friends who buy you food are friends for life.!!

   Which marketing genius at Trident thought that the Latin word for 'three teeth' would be a good name for a sugarless gum?

   My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......

   My imaginary friend is bullying me !! (o.0)

   Your soulmate is out there. Crying in their car, listening to 90s rap while you waste your life with people you don't even like.

   We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.

   I think you should fall in love with a terrible person and complain about it on the Internet for years.

   I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!

   Sure, I COULD stop doing that but then I wouldn't be annoying you

   Never trust a dog to guard your food.

   Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d