Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore?

   If only these walls could talk -- then I wouldn't be drinking all by myself.

   Don't think of it as 5-day-old pizza you found in the fridge, think of it as...pizza jerky.

   I love how some of you judge the people that are shopping at Wal-Mart while shopping at Wal- Mart.

   Sex without head is like a sandwich without bread

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   I checked Rosetta Stone, they don't have "Black English" instruction & I don't know who to axe about it? #donlemon

   Wow. The people of Egypt are really going nuts over this Zimmerman trial..

   I don't make annoying passive aggressive statuses, unlike some people I know.

   I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.

   Oh well, this time isn't going to procrastinate itself.

   According to my roommate's diary, I have boundary issues.

   Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest eat a banana.

   My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"