Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry Monday...I'm just not that into you.

   Nothing ruins a good porn like a malnourished donkey

   I wish I was as carefree as my Step Son's, picking their noses and then tapping away on MY keyboard!!!!

   We all hate things in others which is already in us.

   Subway uses the slogan "eat fresh"...it makes me wonder if the other restaurants are fresh too because they don't say they are

   i should change my name to "period"....all the women seem to hate me

   You got to live life on both sides of the coin, you never know which side its going to land on

   I didn't leave the house all day yesterday and the forecast for today is ceilings

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend.

   If you're a man and in a relationship with a woman, life can get very confusing approximately every 28 days.

   If I ever caught a robber in my house looking for money, I'd start laughing and start searching with him.

   Show me a woman who doesn't gossip and I will show you a blind man.

   I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming. I'm not afraid to leave it that way too.

   One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car

   There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.

   We're no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I....Yep, you just sang it, out loud, and realized that you have been RickRolled \m/

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*