Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   your teeth are so yellow you should get a part time job at the movie theatre spittin on the popcorn.

   your head is so big.......you don't have dreams, you have movies.

   Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!

   I'm southern but not, "Calvin peeing on things decal on my truck" southern.

   My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.

   Paula Deen is very pleased that the USSC is allowing f@gs to get married.....especially the coloured ones

   We are around 7 billion and we have differences but can we at least agree that a person found guilty in rape deserves the death sentence?

   Doing a 'selfie' actually means something quite different than what I had originally thought. Sorry weird stranger, whom I called a 'sticky handed monkey pounder'. My bad ツ

   Meagan Good box probably taste like Hawaiian bread, a fruit salad, the happiness of 10 freed slaves and tears from the Immaculate Mary

   The longest distance in the world is from Monday morning to Friday afternoon.

   i compare my last relationship to Forrest Gump and Jenny. I was retarded and she was a w*ore...

   Happy Canada D'eh! Now let's get drunk!

   Ego ; your total erroneous ideas about yourself.

   The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."

   IKEA now designs temporary houses for refugees which is weird because I thought they already did that.

   How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25

   They're gearing us up for a race war. Don't play into it, Americans....

   It's not the snooze that gets me up, it's the shame of the 5th time..

   What is the job application at Hooters like? Do they give you a bra and say "Here. Fill this out."?

   If you could choose between world peace or Bill Gates Money.......what color would your Maserati be?