Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dumb is the new smart...

   Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

   I've never sky dived before, but I have zoomed in REAL FAST on Google Earth!!

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, you are wasting both or your time.

   Chicks be talking bout #TeamNoKids after 6 abortions. No bitttch you a serial killer!

   James Gandolfini is dead of a heart attack and Dick Cheney is alive and well. So go ahead and remove "karma" from the dictionary.

   I ain't much of a looker. Which is why I often get run over when I cross the road.

   I drove so bad today that the voice from sat-nav said " pull over I want to get off"

   What came first? The alcohol or the bad life decision?

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

   Crocodiles are just lizards who joined a gym

   I'm announcing this morning I'm cutting all ties with Paul Deen....no more BUTTER!

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, then you're wasting both of our time.

   A woman saying "I'm about to cum" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you!!"

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.

   I can't wait until everyone is on board with gay marriage so we can move on to marrying our phones.

   Does running out of money count as exercise?

   You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.

   Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.