Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   I bought a box with those 100 calories snack portions. Apparently, I'm a 600 calorie guy...

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   I've gotten to the point where breathing makes me sweat. Then the exertion of sweating makes me sweat.

   I glued a beer bottle cap to my watch so that whenever I look at it, I know it's time to drink.

   eating chilidogs in bed is a bad idea....dropped some....i don't know how to explain this at the laundrymat, let alone if my roommate walks by and sees me eating this off of my sheets.

   as a proud bully, I am tired of being picked on and harassed by these antibully people.

   I only support gay marriage because I am afraid to deal with what happened to me at summercamp....but I am straight

   V I think the Supreme Court and most government officials went to the same summer camp

   think I'm going to start plagiarizing myself.....wonder if I will get caught.

   I remember yesterday like it was......................what is today's date again?

   Eminem made a better Superman than Nolan.

   I wish people could listen to me when I say listening is just a waste of time

   You can't say you support gay marriages without being gay yourself. You are just a closet gay in serious denial.