Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God dammit Obama. Quit sneaking into my house hiding the TV remote. Go back to destroying Merica and leave me alone.

   I don't understand stalking an ex following them everywhere they go. You got hurt. Grow up and deal with it as an adult. Have sex with one of their friends or create a fake facebook account. This is 2013, get with the times.

   So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   I'be gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between homeless people and hipsters

   How to you piss off a archeologist? Hand them a tampon and ask them what period it's from.

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   Aaron Hernandez,, I have some legal advice for you,,, Never trust a lawyer who wears pigtails, sucks on a lollipop and blows you kisses when you ask him a complex legal question.

   Breast-feeding Mom....Y you No wink back???

   In other news Paula Deen as made a statement in regards to the DOMA ruling: "I'm real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."

   The new Paula Deen and Aaron Hernandez jokes are about 12 hours too late...

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

   Whatever I did to make you hate me, I'd like to know. I have other people I can use that on.

   So the electric motor on our ceiling fan went out. We had a old blender that was about to be a yard sale item so I modified it and rigged it on the ceiling fan. Now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   REMEMBER KIDS: It's not gay if it's for meth.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to blow the busboy.

   I don't understand why I get strange looks from dudes at the gym when I ask'em to spot me. Not my fault I can't reach my back in the shower.

   I was going to start running today but then I decided to eat 6 tacos instead.