Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My liver is so black from all this smoking that it talks during the entire movie.

   I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...

   In other news, Paula Deen has come forward with the statement in regards to the DI heard Paula Deen said she's "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."DOMA ruling: "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."

   Edward Snowden: Provides evidence that the government is spying on us......Government charges him for spying...

   After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ

   Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???

   I miss those days when sex was safe and sports cars were dangerous.

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver.

   Whyyyyyyy would you kill anybody if you play in the NFL... Ok, well maybe yourself if you played for the Jaguars or Cowboys!

   Don't cry over the past, it's gone. Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make the most of it.

   Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a lesson that strengthens the person you will become.

   I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful.

   Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later this collection of mistakes, called experience, leads us to success.

   You can never be happy if you’re trapped in the past and fearful of the future. Living in the present is the only way to be happy.

   Never let failure get to your heart and never let success get to your head.

   To find a prince, you're supposed to kiss a frog. Not screw the whole pond....

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   A Real Man Shows His Love To His Woman Daily. He Needs No Special Occasions, Holidays Or Her Birthday, He Just Spontaneously Does Things

   God is a spaghetti monster. It all makes sense now. Hey everybody I'm Atheist now!