Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order an ice cream sandwich and a bomb pop.

   Note to self: you never read these notes, so stop writing them.

   I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.

   Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.

   Any bathroom without toilet paper is a panic room.

   FYI: Captain Hook ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   So one of the kids shouted "TIGGA PLEASE!"..... and that's the story of why my wife doesn't let me watch Winnie The Pooh with the kids anymore.

   Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices.

   There's always the possibility that Snowden just picked a really elaborate way to break up with a girlfriend.

   I have the uncanny ability to look at a pretty girl RIGHT when she decides to pick her nose.

   I prefer coffee over 5 hour energy because coffee doesn't taste like horse piss...

   Knock knock...... Who's there? A lawyer who should not do jokes at a murder trial.

   The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun

   My neighbors tree fell during the storm last night. Ufortunately for them they will now need to take off their Christmas lights!

   I had a nightmare. I was having s-e-x with Paula Dean d0ggie style. I was pulling her hair and she was screaming, "AH CAINT BLEEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!"

   and today a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Champions gear