Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.

   If you love something let it go, and if its doing better than you, try and ruin its life.

   mom, dad. I like my women how I like my coffee "you dont like coffee son" dad i- "why dont you like coffee?" dad youre making this difficult

   So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.

   I be talking fast as hell at the gas station when I'm broke . . . lemmeget5on2

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.

   Me Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘)

   BREAKING NEWS!! Hillary will not be running for Prez in 2016 due to the brain tumor found during her recent colonoscopy!

   I burn bridges just to be able to light up my bong.

   I want to pause for a moment to remember all my friends that gave a life in Candy Crush Saga. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed

   A sense of humor is a man's cleavage

   If being a vegitarian is so awesome, how come they want that $hit to look like meat??

   With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

   If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.

   One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

   I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.

   Saying that athiests can't say "OMG" because they're godless is like saying theists can't say "common sense" because they lack it.