Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Satan works in mysterious ways, Pitbul’s music for example.

   Kanye's kid is gonna have a hard time understanding GPS instructions. GPS: "Turn North West." North West: "Yeah, but which way do I turn?"

   Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

   Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.

   Yes I’m the ugly friend who gets cropped out of Facebook profile pictures.

   That time you find yourself singing that song you hate and you end up throwing yourself off the 5th storey just teach yourself a lesson.

   It’s after 18 beers that you realise trees make more sense than people.

   GET RICH OR FALL ASLEEP TRYIN

   I wish I was R Kelly, there are a lot of people I need to pee on.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.

   What doesn't kill you was only practicing.

   I was fired from my job for going the extra mile. Being a tour guide is hard!

   No need to make faces in pics. You're ugly enough as it is.

   I heard that women like it when you check up on them. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen.

   I hit the gym pretty hard this morning..... I really need to stop drinking and driving.

   Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic

   It's disappointing that even in this golden age of gender equality the number of female kidnappers remains appallingly low.

   Instagram videos beacuse we wanna know if you are paying for the food you instagram.

   When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.

   The day grenades stop exploding, i'll make it a point to catch one for you.