Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.

   Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.

   Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change

   Lets change the name of Americas Got Talent to America Will Watch Anything.

   Why are 3 of the 4 judges on America's Got Talent foreigners??

   I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them...

   In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.

   I got 0 problems and denial is one!

   Ben Bernanke has a wanke and the whole world smiles!

   Does your family have a history of stupidity or is it just you?

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   I like to welcome visitors to my home with a warm, and sincere 'Goodbye'.

   "I hate Tacos!" Said no Juan ever

   You know you don't have to show your breasts on the Internet, sometimes leaving something to the imagination is just as sexy.

   I'm a pretty good person when you never get to know me.

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   If marriage doesn't involve daily sex and the occasional fort building then I want no part of it.

   I want to do a post about a pirate dating site called e-Yarrrmony,,, but the process is too arrrduous

   If you were cyberbullied by me or my gang on the wii tennis forums,,,, I apologize. I have grown a lot since then.

   You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.