Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come today is Monday when yesterday was only Friday??

   You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.

   Hugh Hefner is getting married again, to a 26 year old. If I were to marry someone that much younger than me, I'm 54, I would have to wait another six years for her to be born.

   IT'S NOT EASY BEING A DIVA!!! It's a real workout...my heart starts pumping and I break a sweat thinking of the day I have of cleaning...and then suddenly remembering my housekeeper already did it for me. I nearly threw my back out getting back in bed!

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   Let's get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy? zzzzzzzzzzzzz

   Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks :)

   When we water ourselves down to please people to fit in for approval, we lose our passion and our own unique gifts. Don't put yourself on the bargain basement discount rack.

   I hate going to elementary school concerts. I can never find a designated driver.

   When you give up and stop believing in yourself, it's much easier to worship and idolize another. That's how ass kissing and celebrity worshipping begins.

   Now FaceBook is putting how many hours ago someone poked you? Like I'm supposed to wake up all bruised and stuff and wonder...no, wait - bad analogy there...

   It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.

   Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn't answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.

   Teach a man to fish and he'll be like "Cool, thanks!" Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

   seriously, Obama. Quit tweeting about the damn fiscal cliff and fix it already...

   So, this whole Mayan 12/21 thing - does anyone know if that's Mayan Standard Time or Mayan Daylight Time? Asking for a friend.

   1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram

   congrats to Bob Costas!! America's d ick of the week!!!!

   Even when I'm home alone, I always lock the bathroom door. I've seen Zombieland. I'm not going out like that.

   why do psychics ask questions?