Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With Hostess gone now I wonder how many Straight Men out there will be CRAVING DING DONGS =/

   A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

   I wonder if Hostess made Watermelon and Fried Chicken Twinkies if there would have been a bail out?

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   Screw the fiscal cliff! Where's the Twinkie bailout?!

   2 things you never guess on women: age & weight....wrong answers hurt

   Well that was disappointing. Not only was his name not Leonid - there were no meteors in his shower at all. I don't even think he was an astronomer.

   It just hit me.....I will never get to experience a fried Twinkie

   perfect girls are aint real . . Real girls are aint perfect either

   The thought of a Fiscal year doesn't worry me all that much but a Fisting Year........now that's a different story.

   I am so glad my cats don't have opposable thumbs. I can't begin to imagine what would be written on my face when I wake up in the morning.

   Dolly Madison , you're on the bench ..... Little Debbie , suit up , you`re on .........

   the fact that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend is proof that guys are idiots...

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   I can't believe ALL these single women in my area want to meet me....it's probably due to all the I-Pads I've been winning!