Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I didn't ask for your opinion, don't think i'm going to care what you have to say.

   Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you

   DOUCHEBAG: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" ME: "Yeah sure, just hit redial."

   Use yes and no once Are you gay?:________ .. Are you lying?:________

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.

   Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.

   Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   Seventh Day Adventists...What you're telling me is the very next day after God rested...he came up with the Gregorian calendar?

   To the guy that just passed me with a "General Lee" car on his trailer, I HATE YOU!

   A wise man once said "_____". Fill in the blanks when you find a wise man.

   mad as hell my toaster oven burned my toast again....I must be Black-toast intolerant.

   i just shot gunned a 22 ounce beer and followed it up with pedialyte... now my stomach hurts

   My new favorite way to flip people off is to put my middle finger to my forehead and say, "Look, I'm a Unicorn!" Yup. I'm that mature.

   The last time I saw a Tiger get beat that bad it was by a blonde swinging a golf club!

   The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

   If the world doesn't end on Dec 21 2012....I have a feeling that there will be alot of babies born on Sept 20th 2013!!