Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw several boys gathered in the neighbors yard, figure it's probably related to someone's milkshake, or a drug deal....too soon to tell.

   Last night I jerked off so good that when I woke up my D!ck was in the kitchen making breakfast

   I'm not proud of this, but I haven't showered since last year...

   A sure sign that drugs fu<k you up is that Russel Brand just filed for divorce from Katy Perry...WHAT,an idiot!

   From now on I will only use blue SOLO cups,because of that STUPID STUPID song.

   Just because I'm giving up , doesn't mean I don't care. It means I'm tired of giving my everything & ending up with nothing.

   H.O.E.S = HAPPILY OFFERING EVERYONE SEX.

   In 2013, my first status will be- "Is anyone alive?!

   Everything seems louder when you're trying not to wake your parents

   Can't wait 'til I'm elderly so I can wear band-aids on my face without shame or explanation.

   The way I see it is that life is divided up into three stages, and you only have to wipe your @$$ for one of them. Isn't life incredible!?

   If you like your own status, you should take your own hand and punch you in your face.

   Welcome 2012 !! We hope that you do to us what 2011 did to Mobile Phones - Made them Thinner and Smarter !!

   Tonight I have a date with my Ego.

   NICE GILL MORGAN... WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.

   I'm trying to go back to my original shape. 7 lbs. 9oz..

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

   Aahhh, 2012 is here. This year, I will try to look on the bright side of things, to see the positive in all situations, to see my RED SOLO CUP half full :)

   I'm tired of chasing my dreams...gonna jus ask them where they're going and meet them there later.

   You have the right to remain stupid anything you say or do can and will be ignored.