Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your beauty is so rare, no one can find it.

   You can get away with a lot more in a song than you can get away with on a mic in front of the House of Representatives.

   The most patriotic thing I've done this year is not watch American Idol.

   Ladies: If your boyfriend is bathing more than once a week...he may be cheating on you!

   Love means never having to say anything because you're both looking at your smart phones.

   Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.

   enjoys long, romantic walks to my fridge!

   Every trip to Wal-Mart results in me seeing an equal number of people I THOUGHT were dead and I WISH were dead.

   Starting next summer, I will be offering FREE GRASS CLIPPINGS to anyone who wants them. Great for compost or mulch, available weekly. You cut, you rake.

   Mini skirts don't work on maxi butts.

   I hate when I'm sitting on bleachers and Half my nutsack falls asleep!WTF

   SWEPT the room with a glance...That's my idea of housework!

   Just remember, while you're lying to, disrespecting and making your girl cry, there's a man out there waiting to hold her, dry her tears and treat her right...

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   Single.. because my ex was such a loser..

   There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!

   Dear Haters, ╭∩╮ º.º ╭∩╮ Sincerely, Me.

   How many people ending a Facebook conversation by liking the last comment.If so like this comment