Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always thought my dad was great when I was growing up, he always got so pissed off every year when santa didnt bring me presents. I felt so lucky to be his son.

   If Crazy was contagious,...you'd definetely catch it at my house.

   Can someone tell me where I can return these 12 Drummers Drumming without a receipt? I'm not trying to form an Allman Brothers tribute band for Chrissake.

   Being single and screaming out "SINGLE & LOVING IT!" Yeah don't do that...you don't have a choice

   Golfing today and noticed a Partridge under a Pine Tree. Stupid bird ruined the song.

   My family is from so far out in the country that my mammy doesn't know she is free. No one will tell her b/c her cornbread off the hook.

   You people that are all cleaned up with the tree out of the house need to stop showing off. The rest of us are drowning in cardboard boxes and pine needles.

   No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...

   Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your wife's job .

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   I think most of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger.

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)

   Brees created quite the Hurricane in New Orleans tonight

   I need a new refrigerator. There's no food in mine.

   lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   Fellas: Make sure you always treat the women in your life with respect and dignity. From your grandmother, mother, sister to your girlfriend or wife, because a woman never forgets how you treat her.

   If you are the one who always make plans, remember all the anniversaries, do all the crying and forgiving in a relationship, end it.

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   Gold Digger is another term for "smart hooker"