Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't know call girls charge by the hour......still have 57 minutes left, I hope she knows how to cook!

   Alarm, snooze, check Facebook...

   Just when you think uni-brow humor has reached it's peak, BOOM! Telemundo steps in and takes it to the next level.

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.

   Fracking - because only man would want to create something so toxic it can kill rocks.

   If Jesus guides Tebow on the field, he also guides me through the buffet at Sizzler, so please achieve peace with that.

   AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?

   I asked my Heart : Why can't I Sleep at Night? My Heart told me : Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon. Don't act like you are in Love !

   ◔◡◔ stalk mode; on.

   i feel sorry for future generation college kids.....we buy our books & can sell them back...in the future it will be a kindle download you cant sell back

   I wonder what happened and at what point a youngster decides, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a proctologist".

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?

   If I am home alone, there's a 96% chance I'm naked.

   FACT: Handicapped parking spaces to handicapped drivers ratio is way too high.

   Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with alcohol.

   "Dude, she just called you disorganized!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my...oh sh!t were is it!?"

   No matter how expensive the perfume a stripper wears, it will never cover up the smell of poor decision making.

   Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better

   When someone calls me a C**t... I know I've done something right

   you never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction...they just show up