Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.

   When I watch TV alone, my thumb is like a park bench for my nuts.

   America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).

   That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.

   Just replace the Star of David with a UFO, and now this nativity scene depicts the birth of Suri Cruise!

   If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

   Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.

   Welcome to ATLANTA where we have three different sexes: Male, Female and Wendy Williams.

   The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

   You CAN'T tell me that "Wendy Williams" Has Never, Wrestled For WWF.

   Why do women even try to talk about football? Do you see guys in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies?

   "I wasn't that Drunk" "Dude, you told me to give you a ride home... when the party was at your house."

   Can you imagine how scary the Wendy William's Pushing Out a Baby Face looks?

   Close mindedness is the most abject form of blindness.

   My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show.

   just let me get 1 thing straight---------------~ DARN! so close.

   You realize 300 pages of this crap has been written since thanksgiving.

   Has a strict tag and release policy with cougars