Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys like YOU. Ruin girls like HER. So she can't put her trust in ME.

   You're like hot chocolate and I'm marshmallows; Because you're hot and I wanna be on top of you.

   I f*cked a fat chick in an elevator...it was wrong on so many levels.

   Claiming my heart back, wrapping it up in aluminum foil and putting it back in the freezer. You dig?

   The less people you chill with, the less drama you deal with.

   I'd imagine that hitting the showers had a whole new meaning for the Penn State football team.

   You aren't crazy, you're just lonely, and loneliness is one hell of a drug.

   The walk of shame at the store when you have to put something back because you cant afford it.

   You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.

   has anybody else notice that girls go into stalk mode when they like a guy?

   an OK meal...spaghetti O's & Special K

   If an old man stuffs you in a bag don't worry, I asked for you for Christmas. Oh he threw you in a van, not a sleigh? Yeah, you're screwed.

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.

   you know a friend notices & cares when their worried I wasnt on facebook much today

   Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the neighbours chase me back inside.

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   I just signed up for a well known diet plan. So far, all I've lost is $200

   I don't understand why women wear watches when there's a perfectly good clock on the stove.

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.